Teacher Book Club: Burnout Immunity (Chapter 2)

I have been so excited for the Free Library of Philadelphia to get some copies of Dr. Kandi Wiens’s book, BURNOUT IMMUNITY, which came out just this spring. As instructed in the introduction, I took her burnout risk quiz, which put me at moderate risk for burnout. I expected to get a lower score, but perhaps that’s just because it’s only the second week of school and I’m not feeling the exhaustion yet. In fact, much of what she describes in the opening chapters are things I don’t relate to, at least not right now. This school year I have my easiest schedule yet. Don’t get me wrong, I still teach three different courses and that is still hard. But this is the first time since 2021 that I don’t have to teach all three courses in one day. I think it wasn’t until now, seeing the difference in how I feel, that I realize how much mental energy it was costing me to have to shift from English 4 mode, to journalism mode, to AP Lang mode, all in just a few hours. Now my day feels incredibly relaxed in comparison.

I just finished reading her section on toxic colleagues, and it really breaks my heart for everyone who deals with this on a consistent basis. She writes about how having a toxic colleague can really kickstart your burnout, and it can even make you start to turn into a toxic person in your workplace as well. I know this to be true from firsthand experience. Before I started working in public high schools, I worked at private daycare/preschools. At my last daycare job, I lasted only 7 months, from August 2018 to March 2019. I called my mom on my lunch break in tears, and she said, “You can’t call me crying in the middle of the day again. You need to go back in there and quit right now.” I hadn’t even thought about searching for a new job yet, but I knew she was right. So I went into my principal’s office and quit (still in tears). This meltdown was all thanks to a toxic colleague.

Even had the time, I had a lot of empathy for her, and I fought within myself not to take her words personally. Every time she yelled at me in front of the kids, excluded me from planning meetings, or insulted me, I reminded myself of when she shared with me and our two assistants what she was dealing with. I knew she was struggling to make ends meet for her and her son. I knew she was trying to manage and support an on-and-off boyfriend battling addiction. Those are hard and horrible things, and she was really unhappy, understandably so. Maybe I could have handled it longer if I were her only punching bag. But sadly, not only did she yell at me and insult me, but she did it to our kids too. We shared a class of 22 kids, ages two and three. And whether she was conscious of it or not, her three main targets were our three little girls of color. She screamed at them, aimed to terrify them, and insulted them, telling them she hoped she would never have a daughter in case she turned out to be like them.

I held these little girls extra close to me, and I think that partially fueled her hatred toward me. I was taking a clear side against her, scooping up the kids she treated the worst, and giving them every last bit of love I had in me. It was immensely hard to choose to leave them. I still think about them all the time. I wonder what they look like now, if they’re doing well in school. I know there’s no chance they’ll ever remember me, but I’ll always remember them. And I know I had to leave, because I could feel that teacher’s effect on me. My patience was dwindling. I began to startle myself with how I raised my voice when I didn’t mean to. If I didn’t get out, I was going to become toxic too. I didn’t want to leave these kids with her, but I couldn’t risk becoming like her.

So I did the best thing I could do for them before I left. I relayed every last detail to my prinicipal, every nasty thing she said to me and to the kids. It probably had no effect. What could be done? Who could prove it? I know she could act at least acceptable in an observation, because she put on the show for the parents at pick up every day. But I had to try.

This spontaneous quitting at just the right time is exactly how I ended up where I am now. If my mom hadn’t pushed me to quit that very day, I might never have ended up subbing in Kensington and subsequently becoming inspired to get my MSEd and teaching certificate. And then of course, I would never have found my home in West Philadelphia. So to that toxic teacher…well, I simply can’t bring myself to thank her, because she really hurt those kids, and that’s inexcusable. Instead I’ll thank whatever forces of the universe came together for me at the right moment, to launch me into the career I love so much. And I’ll thank the amazing teachers I work with now, who let me cry to them when I have a bad day, and help me get back up every time.